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Two cows are standing in a field. One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?" The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Perfect woman An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to find the perfect woman, marry her, and raise a family. With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman. After a diligent but fruitless search up and down the east coast, he decided to head west. Soon he came across a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them. The farmer simply replied, "They're all lookin' to get married, so you've come to the right place. Look over them and decide which one you wanna marry." The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, pigeon-toed." So the man dated the second daughter. The next day the farmer asked for the man's opinion. "Well, she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice, cross-eyed." So then the man dated the third daughter. The next morning the man rushed in, exclaiming, "She's perfect! She's perfect! She's the one I want to marry!" So they were immediately wed. Nine months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery, he was horrified. The baby was the most hideous, ugliest, most pathetic baby you could imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law, asking how such a thing could happen, considering his parents were perfect. "Well," replied the farmer, "she was just a weeeeeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell, pregnant when you met her."